


Not His Reality

by punchbaek



Category: Infinite (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Teen Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-02
Updated: 2015-11-02
Packaged: 2018-04-29 16:07:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5133875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/punchbaek/pseuds/punchbaek
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Howon closes his eyes and pretend Infinite doesn't exist.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not His Reality

Howon closes his eyes.

 

Infinite doesn’t exist. Lee Howon is shuffled back into the practice room with six other boys, all wearing the same disappointed faces – they can’t debut yet, maybe never. It isn't the right time, they aren't ready - just the same things they've heard over and over. Amongst them is a boy by the name of Nam Woohyun – decent face, mediocre voice and horrible dancing skill.

Howon and Dongwoo are tasked to teach Woohyun how to dance, a task easier said than done because Woohyun has all of the passion and none of the skill. The boy works himself to exhaustion and still, his body doesn’t listen.

Dongwoo gives him a hearty laugh and a clap on the back, “Great try, Woohyun. Really.”

Howon is less cheerful but he manages a shy smile.

 

Infinite doesn’t exist.

They part ways – all seven lugging heavy bags and shoulders weighted down by unfulfilled dreams. Sunggyu gives them a halfhearted smile, “Well...Well.” He says because really, what else is there to say?

 

Howon goes back to his life. He teaches dance when it is convenient and spends all of his free time with a boy who still can’t dance. Sometimes they would grab ice cream at a store nearby and talk about their trainee days.

"Do you remember the dance instructor?" Woohyun would ask, grinning as he steals a bite from Howon's popsicle.

"The one who called you hopeless and gave you over to us to train instead?" Howon'd reply, "You were so bad even he gave up on you."

"You never did though." And Woohyun's laugh is loud and bright as Howon hits him for trying to steal another bite from the popsicle.

 

Sometimes they shop for useless things. 

"Do you really need another pair of shoes?"

Woohyun sticks out his tongue, "I really do."

 

Sometimes they sing karaoke to an empty room; Woohyun shows off his vocal prowness whilst Howon raps through another one of Epik High's hits.

 

Woohyun is silly, fun and is one of the goofiest person Howon has ever known. This Woohyun without the pressure to be perfect, to please, is thoughtful sometimes and blunt other times – but his eyes hold kindness and his smile is always open.

 

Howon opens his eyes.

Infinite exists.

Infinite debuts under Woollim to almost no fans and works their way up to hundreds, thousands, millions. And the seven of them swears to never look back, swears to always run towards their future at all cost. But Howon knows the cost; he hopes the other members doesn’t pick up on his empty promises,

 

In an old article, it reads: “Hoya is afraid to be alone with Woohyun.”

He remembers the exact day the article was published because Woohyun had cornered him not two hours after it’s released and asked, “Is this true?”

The problem with this Woohyun is that he can’t take negativity; not even jokingly. Because this Woohyun knows the taste of fame but doesn't know what to do with the dark side of it.

Thing is, though, it hadn’t been a joke. Howon had meant it. It’s not because of Woohyun’s tendency to ruin the atmosphere with his foul mood whenever there are no cameras around him, it’s not even because Woohyun’s tongue can be too sharp, words dig in too deep near scars that hadn’t have time to heal (like the time he pointed out Sungyeol’s lack of talent for…well, anything).

Something about their newly acquired fame sets the older male on edge. At least they can still share mutual nervous chuckles and awkward skits whenever they are forced to interact.

 

When they were all still trainees; back when they were nothing but eager faces and default settings tuned to “please others,” and back when Woohyun was new, he was a bit quieter, carefully observing people. Back when Woohyun couldn’t really dance back; back when Howon and Dongwoo were asked to be his dance instructors, things were good between them.

Woohyun’s sheer determination to do well only raised concerns whenever he’d injure himself. On those nights, Howon would sit by him and they'd share stories – school life, past loves, future goals.

The fact that now Woohyun can hold his own when it comes to dancing and is one of INFINITE’s main vocals speak a lot about his willpower and stubbornness.

If it’s pride, Howon would understand. But it’s not even that.

Woohyun still has his settings to “please others” – except his stubbornness won’t let him accept defeat. So Woohyun tries and tries again – keeps throwing hearts into a crowd who only gave him lukewarm reactions until they start throwing hearts back, keeps bothering Sunggyu who initially hated him until their leader starts smiling back.

But Howon sees that things Woohyun doesn’t share with the tabloids of Korea, doesn’t share with his little niche of “girlfriends” made up of their fanbase:

Words carelessly written across an empty page, miles away, by a faceless unknown; words that meant nothing to the owner but everything to the receiver. The boy who reads those thoughtless words isn’t just another unknown; he is laying on the bed, next to Sunggyu, curled into him, shoulders shaking.

“It’s all right,” Sunggyu tries to say, hands running smooth circles on Woohyun’s back. “Really.”

But no words can bring the younger boy any comfort. Nothing could negate the cruel words Howon knows Woohyun has already taken into his heart.

So Woohyun tries harder. Works harder. And ignores all of the members when they aren’t being filmed; but Howon understands because everyone needs time to find themselves again – especially someone so bent on adapting himself to the image of what others want.

 

 

It isn’t until Howon can no longer ignore the purple bruises underneath Woohyun’s eyes that he starts sticking closer.

“Hyung, drink some water.”

Woohyun brushes him off, “Later.”

“Your throat is not going appreciate it later.”

“Why do you care?”

 

 

“Did you eat?”

Woohyun blinks, “Hm. I don’t remember.”

 

 

“Hyung, really…”

“Don’t start.”

 

 

Howon locks them in the dorm’s closet two months later; after the end of ‘The Chaser’ promotions, after woohyun visibly lost so much weight that it can’t be healthy.

“You come here often?” Woohyun asks, smirking.

“I need to talk to you.”

“Are you going to come out of the closet?” Woohyun tries again.

Howon isn’t amused. “What did the message say? Why have you been working yourself into the ground? I know you care about the netizens’ comments but isn’t this a bit too much?”

There is a subtle change. Woohyun’s uneasy smile slides off his face and he widens his stance, as if he is getting ready for a fight.

“They say I am fake, that I am too cheesy,” Woohyun scoffs, “Do you know how many people think this is all an act?”

“Isn’t it?”

“I don’t do anything I don’t want to,” The older boy reply, “Is it a crime to force a smile when I just want to drop dead? Isn’t that better than scowling at the world? Where is the harm in that? Why are they faulting me for smiling at them, even when we’ve been awake for forty eight hours and I don’t give a damn? So they say I’m fake when I am smiling at them, but if I don’t, they say I am stuck up – star syndrome.

“Where is the line?”

Howon doesn’t have an answer.

“Hyung, don’t listen to what they say. You’re here to sing.”

But he knows Woohyun isn’t listening. Sunggyu joined Infinite just to sing, paid the price of idol stardom for a dream – for Woohyun, stardom is his dream; he joined because he loves everything – singing, dancing, fans, the cheering, the adoration – he loves it all.

 

Sometimes when Howon has free time, he closes his eyes and pretend.

He pretends Infinite isn’t real. He pretends Woohyun isn’t next to him, reading fans’ messages through hushed whispers, or running through schedules or practicing with voice already too hoarse to carry a note.

Instead Woohyun is sitting next to him, and they are sharing stories about their day, about Howon’s dance classes and Woohyun’s work. Maybe Woohyun goes into cooking like his brother, maybe he is teaching a small singing class, maybe he is going to university – whatever it is, the Woohyun in Howon’s mind is carefree, unguarded eyes and open smiles.

 

Hoya is afraid to be around Woohyun because it hurts. When he spends too much time in Woohyun's company, it gets harder for him to close his eyes and pretend the old Woohyun is still there. The one who used to run with him by the Han river at night and childishly demands food even when Howon is younger. Hoya is afraid because he doesn't want to open his eyes and see yet; doesn't want to accept the reality that Infinite's Woohyun isn't the same as the trainee Nam Woohyun; that Infinite's Woohyun would rather spend time with Sunggyu and torment Sungjong than stumble through the next dance practice with Howon.

 

Hoya is afraid because the longer Infinite continues forward, the further Woohyun gets from him. 

 

So Howon closes his eyes and pretend.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! :D Find me on AFF @ punchbaek


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